Hi! I'm not feeling great today, haha! I hope it's okay that I put this here, just to get my thoughts down somewhere... And maybe it can help someone else too:
I have a problem with comprehending that I could possibly be worth more than what I am capable of doing for others. So, when I mess something up, I feel as though I have failed miserably at the only thing that made me worth keeping around in the first place. Does that make sense? It's hard for me to understand or even accept that people could possibly want me around because they like me. As a friend or family member or... Any other way, I suppose.
I was reminded of this because I was burning some incense a couple days ago and I recalled a conversation that I had with my brother. In which, I explained that I had been burning incense without proper ventilation. And I further explained that I read on the packaging that doing that can cause lung cancer. I said I wasn't too worried about that and he asked me, "But, what if you get lung cancer?". And I said, "I guess, I'll just die." I said it humorously (even though it wasn't really that funny in the first place), but he seemed genuinely worried and sad at that possibility. And it made me come to the same realization that I've had previously about making self-deprecating jokes about myself.
I genuinely have held the belief for a long, long time that the people that I am close to don't really love me or even like me. Based on no evidence at all. In fact, I have felt as though nobody really liked me and that everyone was just being polite. I frequently felt as though, if I was not in their lives, it would be a relief to them. I couldn't understand that the people I loved would be sad if I was hurt or struggling. I couldn't understand that people genuinely wanted to be around me or talk to me. I still struggle to understand it.
Man, this is getting really long! I'm sorry! But... When I see the people I care about struggling, I feel so heartbroken. I would do anything to help them feel better. And, by operating on the belief that the people who love me... Really don't love me... I was hurting them. And myself. I began to think about how I would feel if my brother or my father or my mother or my friends were putting themselves in dangerous situations. And it made me feel really upset and scared, especially since it would be out of my control to help them.
So... Again, I apologize for going on for so long... But, I think my point is this: I feel very easily replaceable because I only know how to measure my worth on my utility to others. But, that's not how love works. I'm always afraid that I'm going to be worn down and rendered useless to the people in my life at a certain point... Like an old phone that doesn't work as efficiently as it used to or a lamp that doesn't turn on anymore. What's the point of keeping me around, then? But, I'm learning that there are other reasons that people love me. In fact, I'm sure that the things I am capable of doing are not high on the list of reasons why the people who love me... Love me. But rather, the things that I am. Sorry to get sappy! Hahah.
But, I want to start viewing myself and the love that I provide as that of a beloved childhood stuffed animal. Something that has value because of what it is, not what it can do. While continuing to help others the best I can, but understanding that I can't be perfect. And that's alright. It doesn't make me less loveable. Anyway! If you read all of this... Thank you! I hope this was an interesting read! If you're struggling with similar feelings, please understand that the people around us, who care about us, often care more than we know/understand... That's all for now, I think! I'll see you later! Peace!!!!